Last night while I was talking to jinx, he mentioned that he's checked my blog once or twice, but it seems as if I haven't posted anything for a long time. hj commented that I should shut down my blog le. Well, actually, I haven't really been that inactive. Well, I guess a lot has changed since 2 days after my last entry to now. It's just that I've recently been writing down some entries, and have later thought against publishing them. So gradually, they have been accumulated as saved drafts. So why the heck am I still writing them down in the blog? Dunno.. Maybe it's just an outlet for me to sort out my thoughts or to yell someone down, in the privacy of my own world. I have realised that I'm a very frank person, or sometimes too trusting for my own good. Maybe sometimes, it's better to think for yourself, change the way you deal with people, so that you can leave a hou lu (backdoor) for yourself. Maybe sometimes, I should change the way I deal with issues, so that I can protect myself, not saying exactly what I feel at that point of time (maybe cos the feeling will change) or not saying what I feel is best for the person to move on. I feel that I haven't really grown up and I shall take this period of time as well.. growing up time. I feel like a little kid, I show emotions all too easily, I can't hide what I feel and am too frank with my words.
Today I mis-sent an sms AGAIN, I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm guessing my phone has a mal-function, like it auto-loads some number to be sent, or I just haven't figured out how it works. Or maybe I was just thinking of the person when it was sent. I'm sure it has happened to all of u before. Like, I'm msging my sister asking her if sherlyn is giving her tuition today and I end up sending it to sherlyn instead. Worse still, if it's regarding a surprise party for the person or something personal. I guess I just thought of him when my sister told me about the offer, so suddenly, I'm like shit... what the hell... but he didn't reply, so I will go with my other lovely friends.
Sometimes people change and u can't grasp it. It has happened a few times to me. and a few times their change caught me in some huge emotional turmoil and I wasn't able to function in my daily life. but I guess I have to ask myself. Did I change? I'm sure there's many friends I've lost along the way, simply because I've changed or I was too busy. It's these moments you don't realise, and you've let someone feel forgotten. Maybe that person too, has felt low and was left thinking over the 2 of u. Yet, if the person chooses not to bring it up, and lets u slowly slip away, both of you would just continue living life as u should. Maybe oneday, you'd just be able to pick things up where you left off, or maybe you'd just no longer be part of each other's lives. I'm thankful for those friends who bothered to pull me back, and I'm wondering if I should pull others back to me too, or shall I simply allow them to leave, since the encounters are no long spontaneous. Why not leave gracefully, rather than be asked to leave bawling. Sometimes people change and it's really not up to us to control it. As you ponder over these issues, you can ask urself:
Will all these thinkings affect my whole life? Are you gaining anything from what you're doing. With this, I attempt to pick myself back up. I have other things in life to do. Nobody really needs another person so much so that you can't continue in life.
It's just a phase everyone needs to pass through and with such experiences, I will learn to grow up. Choose to speak carefully and be more mature in my thinking. But without life, nothing is possible, and so... I feel a sense of pride today. I felt that I did something very meaningful today. For the first time ever, I went to donate blood. Partly because I feel that I can help somebody, but seriously, I think the whole experience helped me more. Feel like a brand new person, because I've expelled some bad blood in me. (not in the literal sense k.. my blood will save someone! it's good blood from a strong, female judokah) Feel like it's a whole new starting point for me and that I should pick myself up and start again. Feel like I have done a good deed and now good fortune will befall me. (this part is crap, but it just feels like it will help deflect some bad karma) Me, being superstitious and unrealistic? Well... every little action helps. ;) Feel very cheated by fate recently. Why is the timing so wrong.. But yeah.. to think of it.. it's not really fate who's playing on us. It's human nature itself. Because we only cherish something when we feel that we are losing it. But if u feel there is already no reciprocation on the person's part.. Maybe you should just let go... Don't force it, but remain with an open-heart. Leave it to them, if they come they come, if they go, well.. they just go. uh huh.. wah.. I so xiang tong le today....Out of what reason?? Tired of being tormented? or just cos I gave some blood today? Haha... so worth it.. Hopefully, this feeling lasts... I shall NOT... think of the fantastic times in the land of snow, I shall not think of someone buying me chocolates and lozenges and playing a match for me.
Check out my photos!
1. My arm wrapped up in funky pink bandage with purple hearts. Think it's sweeet. =)
2. The "Be nice to me. This is my first donation. " sticker.
3. The biscuits and iron tablets to replenish my energy n blood!
4. I can donate blood again from the 11th of January 2006.
Oh.. thanks kl! I've been wanting to do it for some time, but just never made the move to. And just last night on MSN, kl says she is going to donate blood. And without much thought, I think I'm going too! xiao ping guo so small also can donate blood, I'm such a big healthy person, cannot be scared of donating blood. In the end, we waited from 2.15pm to 4pm before we were done. The blood transfusion didn't hurt at all, although my arm feels rather numb up till now
I will start looking at my MATLAB today. Like last sem, I must hua bei shang wei li liang! (convert sadness to strength!)
