staying put in singapore UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

today has been a fucked up day, why? cos even when I want to vent some qi, and write some views on my blog, I tamade have to lose my entire entry. why why why?? everything that can go wrong, is going wrong.. fish times 3.

I just need to scream at somebody now, but I can't. no one i can scream at or bitch to, just to sulk in my bed and yell at my keyboard.

dear friends and family, to those whom i have already meet up with, kissed, hugged and said my farewells to, to those I have been updating on msn, email, sms or on my blog:
sorry guys, I'm still here to stay AGAIN. I know, i just can't seem to leave this country. i seriously do not know how many more delays i can take. one after another after another after another FUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

okay, i am tired, i just thought i should write something to explain the situation. in short, cos like i said I am tired, and cos this is ultimately a public blog, the low-down is:

I spent my whole morning at the us embassy and..
1. one out of five of us ( due to no fault of his) can only get his us visa in 4 weeks!

2. the plan is we leave together (crazy as it seems that everyone is delayed due to 1 person after so long, but yes! we are sticking together.) I actually have mixed feelings over this, but yeah... today tired.

in the afternoon, we spoke to our bosses, who decided as plan b, that we will apply for belgium visa. therefore, in the afternoon, we went for medical checkup and my project coordinator had to rush the documents down to the belgium embassy.

3. now.. we are going to texas or belgium, depending on whether my friends gets his us visa first, or if all of us get our belgium visas first.--> uncertainty!

and so I am stuck again here and yes make the best out of every situation, but seriously!?? seriously!!? seriously!?? I seriously hate uncertainties and not having plans for anything. Hell, i could have done a lot of other things if i knew i would still be in the country for so long. And actually, yeah.. I'm not even a person who really plans much either, but I just hate hate hate this transistionary period. I hate the period of time BEFORE I go for training. I want to be learning something systematically or work on a clearly defined project. I dont want to just pass my time whilst waiting to go overseas by moping around. And well.. for the last 3 weeks while waiting to leave for us, I actually felt that I have done a good job with my friend just setting up the system and exploring the system, helping people complete random but useful tasks and bothering people with problems we can't solve. I have actually learnt a lot from the past 3 weeks and I think we took a very positive attitude towards the past 3 weeks, but seriously! seriously!???? Another 4 weeks of just filling in the gaps, coming to work just to see what we can do is going to drive me nuts nuts nuts!!! I am upset upset upset!

What's the worst thing? I don't know! I am yelling a lot when my collegue is way cool and calm about the whole thing, well.. actually only one is, and i am sorry that I get worked up rather easily, but this is not what I want. I seriously want to think and react like a mature working adult. I am trying . do the rest of u really think like this, or is this just the right front to put up because we are employees of the company. I am already controlling myself and trying to act mature, and even then I think I am still the most worked up in the team. I really cannot tahan, i have to rip and yelllll.

alcatel: sorry for the delay
A: why are u saying sorry, it's not your fault

when? when can I be gallant enough to say that, because actually it is kind of your fault. Not entirely, but still every factor has contributed and yeah.. someone saying sorry would make me feel a little better. when u say sorry, the most gallant thing i can do is to not complain and say yeah.. it's okay.. i can't turn around and say its not ur fault and console the other person instead. i admire your ability to remain calm, think positively, but i myself have a long way to go

and what's worse? there is no one to blame? or maybe shall i say there is no one i dare to blame. else I seriously am going to blame every single thing. I have not yet blamed myself for taking up this program and I dont want to reach that stage. Can i blame so *** for not telling *** about the visas? or blame *** for not finding out on their own and being forever so disorganised? can i blame *** for not giving my friend his visa until 4 weeks later. Well.. actually i can't. no one is really to blame. every single cock up, delay, miscommunication is just rolling up into one big yarn ball. it's all interlinked and they just happen one after another. arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!

I hate the whole whirlwind of uncertainties. Ireally hope the winds will calm down, the dust will settle, and the direction of my path ahead can be set. show me the way.